I'm up for yet another trip to our freezer for ice packs for my back. No relief thus far from the steroid epidural. SIGH!
When you picture expecting your child, you think calming,
peaceful times to reflect and prepare-NOT. Most of the time I don't want
to think or feel because that means giving into the sharp pulling pain
in my lower back, hips, butt and often leg and foot. And then reaching
for the Tylenol or Tylenol #3 (only when its unbearable) I battle with
my guilt and fear as I desperately screw off the bottle cap and often
drop at least one pill or water down my chest. I feel like a fiend!
Desperate, alone, sad and often frustrated. It is isolating because
despite everyone's care, attention and loving empathy unless you've had
years of often debilitating back pain, they can't possibly know what it
is like.
I don't blame our little growing baby girl. It was after all
my choice to become pregnant fully aware for the potential of this
resurging back pain. But even as I see those written words: "back pain" I
know they don't begin to describe the now non-stop agony and mental
struggle it takes to keep myself in check and to keep going without
giving into becoming fully immobile.
Everyone's love plus the overwhelming excitement to meet
her, see her little face and look into her eyes makes every second of
pain worth it.
Something my mother in law "Susie" told me this week brought
me to tears and put everything into perspective. She was at USC for her
two day long lung transplant evaluation. She said, "A is my
motivation to keep going through all this. And I'll do whatever it takes
to watch her live for as long as I can." I instantly teared up and told
"G". "Now we know exactly why "A" is here: to keep her
grandmother alive and motivated to keep going. What a greater purpose
can someone have!"
Of all the times to have had unprotected and unplaned
sex-now is when my body decided to be pregnant. Nothing is ever perfect
in this often ironic life of ours but it is without a doubt the right
time for her to arrive into our world. I feel so blessed and lucky to
have the privilege of being chosen to be her mamá.
Also as an update on my "birth plan", my OB read the MRI yesterday, and said
no epidural for birth will be allowed with my level of lumbar discs.
More great news right?! Ha! She said they'll instead opt for upper back epidural/IV drugs and/or c-section if my body or baby girl does not cooperate.
Whatever will come, I welcome it! I just hope my body embraces it as
well.
