The Slow Progression of My Recovery

 “There is meaning hidden in the small changes of everyday life,

And wisdom to be found in the shards of your most broken moments.

At the end of a dark night of the soul is the beginning of a

new life.”  –Elizabeth Lesser

With the selfish act of one person, everything became nothing. However, this isn’t about the act, it is about what happened because of that one act. It’s about the process of human loss and the rebirth from a dark place where pain, anger, sadness, shame, control and fear thrive.

            I no longer had any plans, goals, dreams, or any idea of what I was going to do next. I no longer knew who I was or who I wanted to be. It took all my energy to pretend as if nothing had happened. But it slowly consumed me. When I finally awoke from the numbing nightmare, someone had taken everything I knew and believed in and left nothing for me to hold on to. I questioned everything, even my own thoughts and feelings because everything felt so unreal. My only reality was the overwhelming and uncontrollable pain. A pain unlike any other pain I had ever felt before. It was nothing like the emotional pain of a break up with a loved one, the rejection letter from UCLA or the loss of my grandfathers.  I could physically feel my heart break open. The pain made me want to rip my heart out of my chest so that I no longer had to feel anything. I would often cry myself to sleep while begging God to take the pain away.

When you bear the unbearable, something inside you dies and you’ll do anything to numb the pain. I was a shell of the naïve, sweet and driven girl I once was.  I was empty and lost. I was constantly haunted with obsessive thoughts trying desperately to figure out what truly happened.  I struggled to decipher the details but it all seemed like a recurring nightmare filled with nothing more than fragmented images.  How could this happen to me? How could he do this to me? Isn’t he supposed to be my friend? Why me?

  I blamed myself and became a cold, angry, depressed, and completely numb. I felt so foolish and worthless.  Every day I tried to remember what it felt like to hug someone and feel happy. In a desperate attempt to feel happiness again, I began to indulge in all that I thought I needed. But the alcohol, partying, and attending the university of my childhood dreams made me feel nothing. Every day I crossed the street wishing that someone would run a red light and hit me. I often day dreamed about stepping on the gas and driving into the center divider or sound barrier wall.  I needed the pain to end.  I sought refuge at church, the most sacred and serene of places but all I could do was cry. I felt like I was choking and with each passing day I struggled to just breathe.  I couldn’t find solace in anything. I was drowning; kicking, and screaming and no one could hear or see me. I hugged my family that Christmas and felt nothing. I had the love of family and friends but it could not permeate through the evil that violated me. The overwhelming feelings of shame, pain, fear and anger now controlled every second of my life. I desperately needed a way out and most of all I wanted revenge and atonement.

      “And the time came when the risk to

        remain tight in a bud was more painful

        than the risk it took to blossom.”

           –Anais Nin-       

I made a decision to seek help when the anger and pain were driving me to desire the death of another human being. The very thought of ending someone’s life went against everything I represented, everything I believed to be true.  I could not allow this selfish act to destroy what was left of me. I picked up everything I needed in order to live again. I reached out to the one closest to me but only found more shame, rejection, anger, pain, and judgment. I felt betrayed by the ones I trusted and depended on most. Others who claimed to care tried to find their own revenge through violence. But no physical pain he could feel would remedy the agonizing pain I continued to endure. My rage grew with each passing day and in doing so, I began to hurt those closest to me. I tried to push everyone away. It seemed like nothing could return what he had taken from me. On the verge of becoming a complete casualty to his evil deed, I realized that I had to risk it all in order to gain my life back.

 After a year of therapy I was able to leave the pain and anger behind me and resumed what I thought to be a normal life. Nevertheless, I no longer knew what normal meant or what it should look like. Fear set in again. I could trust no one, not even myself. I thought that if I focused on my studies at UCLA, I could overcome my fears through academic success.

I lied to everyone around me and opted for endless hours of sleep instead of attending my classes. Of course, academic failure was inevitable. UCLA threatened with academic dismissal. Every time someone questioned my desire to be at UCLA or my ability to love and connect with others, I felt objectified.  Filled with disdain and outrage, I appealed my academic dismissal. It felt like those who objectified my pain and weakness were taking advantage of me all over again. Every time someone found a reason to blame me for what happened, it felt like I was assaulted all over again. It is easy to objectify the suffering of others when you don’t truly understand what it feels like to look back at your reflection in the mirror and see nothing or what it feels like to struggle everyday to overcome the paralyzing pain and fear.

In order to keep on living I had to forgive but I could not forget. Fortunately, with the moral and professional support of my therapist and doctors, my dismissal was overturned. But I no longer cared about earning my bachelor’s degree; I was terrified by the idea of never being able to fully awake from this nightmare.

  “Suffering is very real, and fear is its sidekick. 

    Fear is a sneaky thief, stealing away precious

     moments of your life.” 

        -Rabbi Yehudah Fine-

I was determined to fully awake from the nightmare.  Everyday and every step on that campus felt like an eternity.  Living in constant fear and shame is no way for anyone to live.  Everyday became a struggle to survive, to breathe and to somehow feel whole again. I could either choose darkness, fear and despair or I could choose letting go and find meaning in the midst of my pain.  I refused to have any more of my life taken away from me. 

Like the song says, “Nothing is real until you let go completely.” And in letting go, I found a gift.  I found out what I was truly capable of.  Therapy once again became my refuge and I discovered that from the broken shards of my former life, I had emerged as a strong and resilient person. I also met my intuition. In letting go, I gained so much more insight into who I was, what I wanted and into what was important to me.  I could now see that my degree from UCLA would mean so much more than graduation, it would mean that I had survived and thrived.

 The moment I acknowledged what was still troubling me and called it by its name, the doors were opened.  I could now face it and take the necessary daily steps to overcome the fear of getting hurt and losing control. So every day on my way to class, I made myself walk by that dreaded apartment building until I was able to see it as just another building in Westwood.  The ultimate test presented itself at a club in Hollywood; I had another face-to-face encounter with my fear.  There he was, three feet away from me.  He made his way over to my location and got as close as he could to me.  I looked him in the eyes, turned around and just kept dancing.  For thirty minutes, he stood there watching my every move with a chilling grin on his face. He refused to back down. I was completely sickened by his wicked stance but I refused to back down and showed him no emotions. I continued to dance until one of his friends finally pulled him away and made him leave the club.  I had faced my fear and conquered the pain and his desire to overpower and control me.  I finally felt like I had nothing to hide and he couldn’t take anything else away from me. I was no longer a victim but a survivor and I had taken back my life.

“Our true identity is to love without fear

  and insecurity.  Our higher potential finds

  us when we set our course in that direction. 

  The power of love & compassion transforms

   insecurity.”

                                                            -Doc Childre-

I would not change what happened because it has made me the person that I am today. I have learned that everything happens for a reason. I believe in Karma and thus we all will answer for what we choose to do in this life. In letting go, I let go of all of my fears because the truth is that no one can hurt me to the extent in which that selfish act did. What saved me was that in the midst of the pain and fear, I wanted nothing more than to love and feel loved again. I learned that faith and love are stronger than any pain I could possibly feel.

I am a soul and no one can take my soul from me. I have learned to let the souls of others touch me in profound ways that I never allowed before. I have learned that no matter what or who enters and leaves my life, I can overcome anything. I have learned that love means letting go. Forgiveness is letting go. In order to love and live a full life, you must be completely open. For the first time in six years, I am now able to truly feel the caring embrace of a loved one and allowed it to touch me in ways that I never thought possible. Happiness can now visit me and it has. I have learned to let go of the small things and especially those I cannot control. I have learned to laugh at myself. I have learned to smile again. I have learned what true friendship and loyalty are. I have learned that with faith, love, courage, strength, and dedication, nothing is impossible. I have learned to above all always trust my instincts. I am now fully awake and more alive than ever. 

“Waking up in the morning, I smile;

            twenty-four brand new hours are before me.

I vow to live fully in each moment and to

look at all beings with the eyes of compassion.”    

      –Prayer by Thich Nhat Hahn-